Matt Bumpers here with a
Public Service Announcement.
Everyone knows that Halloween is the most wonderful time of the year. The
cobwebs, the ghouls, the candy... But there is an affliction
sweeping the nation, threatening to ruin Halloween for America's youth.
My kid brother, Charlie, is what you might call...a dorky chicken. He screams
when lights go out unexpectedly, has nightmares from watching movies about
vampires, and crosses the street when he sees a potentially haunted
I'm sorry to report that this is not an isolated case. Dorkychickenitis is
a growing concern, and this epidemic must be stamped out.
I've compiled a fool-proof
toolkit for use in de-scaring any Dorky Chickens you may encounter. Good luck.
|Dorkychickenitis Patient Zero: Charles Bumpers|
Matt Bumpers' Ultra-Official Guide to De-Scaring
Tell a scary story.
Tell a little bit every night; make each night's episode a little more
terrifying. With some luck, you'll have your patient laughing in the ghoulish
face of fear by the time Halloween rolls around.
Watch a scary movie.
Okay, this one's kind of the same as the scary story tip. Building up to
scarier and scarier movies will eventually have your patient immune to the
palest vampires and hairiest werewolves.
Change the name of the
scary thing. I have my little sister, Mabel, to thank for this one.
Charlie is terrified to watch a movie called The Shrieking Skull. Mabel
thought the name was "Squeaking" instead of "Shrieking,"
making the movie laughable. Good on you, Mabel. Gold star.
Matthew Bumpers, demonstrating Tip #1
Watch something funny right
after something scary. This will help you forget about the scary thing and focus on
the funny thing instead. Easy-peasy.
Focus on the funny aspects.
Look, I know scary. Scary stories, scary movies, whatever; they all have
something in common. They're funny! Underneath the ghosts and goblins and blood
and guts, there's always a joke. If you walk into a scary situation prepared to
laugh, you will.
Embrace being scared.
C'mon, why do you think people keep making scary movies? They're fun! They give
you the chance to scream, hide under the covers, and freak out your friends.
Everyday life can get boring sometimes—getting scared is a great way to break
up the monotony.
Pretend you’re not
scared. Basically: fake it 'til you make it. I wish Charlie would at
least pretend he wasn't scared all the time.
Be with friends.
Scary story + people to share it with = fun. That's just basic math.
Realize it’s all fake.
You know what Halloween is about right? Getting scared. But at
the end of the day, you know the stories, the monsters, and the ghouls aren't
Can you think of anything else? Comment below if I missed
any good tips.
Stay scary, people.
- Matt "Master of Horror" Bumpers
Labels: Charlie Bumpers, Halloween, Series