Dear Children of the World
My name is Bradley Bartleby. If you haven’t heard of
me, that’s probably because you are ignorant wretches.
My family are immensely rich and I live in a huge house with a
garden that is big enough to lose an elephant in. You might think that being
rich means that I can have whatever I want. Sadly, this is not the case. While
my parents give in to my every demand, not everyone follows their fine
example. There is one man in
particular, who stubbornly refuses to give me what I want. His name is Santa Claus.
While this fat fool gives proper presents to all of you each
Christmas, he seems determined not to do the same for me. Ever since I was a
baby, the only gift he’s given me is a pair of stupid socks, which is more of
an insult than a gift.
I’m not prepared to put up with this for any longer, so this
Christmas I’m going to make sure I get what I want from Santa – this Christmas
I’m going to take every present he’s got.
To achieve this I’ve spent the whole of this year converting my
house into a stupendous SANTA TRAP.
Although I still have a few jobs left to do, I’m confident that I will
catch the crimson clod. I’m obviously hoping to nab Santa early on in his
journey, while he’s still got most of his gifts. Either way, it will mean that
some of you will not be getting your presents this year. I realise that many
children will be upset by this. To
those children I say, “BOOHOO!”, “LOOK AT THE LITTLE CRY BABY!” and “TOUGH
LUCK!” I’ve suffered many disappointing Christmases - now it’s your turn!
I’m aware that there is a picture book entitled “The Santa Trap”
that claims to tell the story of what I’m doing. I have to admit that the first
half of this book contains a disturbingly accurate account of my early life and
the events of the last few months. The
book’s author and illustrator have clearly been spying on me. I must improve
the security here at Bartleby Hall – it seems that having ravenous tigers
roaming the grounds is not enough.
I didn’t bother reading the second half of the book as it was
clearly made-up nonsense. It appears to
show events that have not even happened yet!!! The author and
illustrator of the book, Jonathan Emmett and Poly Bernatene, are obviously
charlatans and the book’s publishers, Peachtree, must be gullible idiots. I would urge you to ignore the book
completely – only there is this rather
fetching portrait of me on the front cover.
So I suggest you buy a copy, put the dust cover in an expensive
frame and throw away the rest of the book – or better still burn it!
To set the record straight as to my actual activities, I have taken
out a Twitter account @BradleyBartleby and will be tweeting a daily progress
report as I put the finishing touches to my trap.
You can find my profile page here
The first tweet will be on the 1st December and the last on the 24th
December, after which I will be too busy opening my thousands of presents to
tweet any more. Since this period coincides with advent, I thought I’d use
“Bradley’s Advent Calendar” as my profile name. However this title was too long for the halfwits at Twitter, who
can only cope with a few syllables at a time it seems, so I’ve had to
abbreviate it to “BADVENT CALENDAR” instead.
I expect that I’ll be too busy finishing the trap to respond to any
tweets you might send me, so don’t bother trying to talk me out of it or
begging me to stop - and I’m not interested in any other tedious little remarks
you might want to make!
Here’s wishing ME a very merry and present-filled christmas.
Edited: It looks like Bradley is at it again! He's taken up a post at Scribble Street!
Edited AGAIN: Bradley's gone international! Now he's in Argentina! This kid won't stop at anything!
Labels: Guest Posts, Holidays, Picture books